The Great Wall of China, whose construction began during the Zhou Dynasty of approximately 770BC, has finally been bested. Descendants of the ancient invading Mongols have discovered a Home Depot in Ulan Bator, and purchased thousands of scaling ladders to allow them passage over the Great Wall. They appear to have been successful in their endeavor, and are now threatening Beijing.
Kuujujuk Temujin, who works at the Home Depot in Ulan Bator, said, “Yeah, it was weird. There were ten thousand guys standing in the parking lot while this one dude tried to place an order for one hundred of our 32’ Werner Type IAA Flat Rung Extension Ladders. But it was just one problem after another. First he tried to pay in cash, but we don’t take tögroögs, only American dollars. So he had to go out to where he had parked his horse and grab his wallet. It turned out that he was already over the limit on his Capital One card. So the guy leans on the counter, pulls out an American Express, blows on it for good luck, and says, ‘Go ahead, try this baby, I dare you not to accept it.’ I was tempted to say that it was declined too, but he had this mean looking sword swingin’ from his waist, so I just gave him the order. We had them, all one hundred of ‘em, in three business days. He never mentioned that they were gonna use ‘em to invade China.”
The Mongols, led by Jebe Yesuntai, are hoping that 2005 will be their lucky year. “We’ve been waiting patiently for over two millennia for wall-scaling technology to catch up to our needs. Thankfully, these ladders were well built from strong, but light and transportable aluminum. Of course, when you’ve got ten thousand men following you, you don’t necessarily have to worry about weight – but it was nice to not have to think about it. But yes, I think that 2005 will be known as the year of the Mongol. We may not have tanks, or bulletproof armor, or even gunpowder-based weapons, but I think we can take on the Chinese and win. I mean, it’s been what, like, fifty years since they were involved in a war? They’re rusty. What do you think we’ve been doing up in Mongolia all this time? Training, baby. That’s the name of the game.”
LEFT - A victorious Mongol tops the wall, carrying with him the head of a Chinese defender. Where will the madness end?
Colonel Ming of the People’s Liberation Army said, hurriedly, “I can’t believe that they’ve come over the wall. Nobody here saw that coming. We’re just as bad as the American CIA. They’re going to lock up my family, I just know it. Don’t you see what this means? The Mongols are going to make the Rape of Nanking look like a summer picnic. The only thing that we can do is go on the offensive, which is why a nuclear strike on Ulan Bator has already been given the go-ahead. We’ll show these Mongol bastards who’s boss. Still, you’ve gotta give ‘em credit. I mean, who would’ve thought of using ladders to defeat the Great Wall?”
The United States has offered to be an impartial mediator in the 2000-year-old dispute between the Mongols and the Chinese. “We think it’s imperative that we get the Mongols off of their horses and back to the table,” said outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell. “A stable China demands that there not be an army of ten-thousand horsemen riding around in its northern and central regions.”
President Bush has vowed to “bring the peace-hating, vengeful Mongols to justice just like I done in Iraq.” A spokesman speaking on behalf of the President said that, while it had not yet been ruled out, an invasion did not seem likely. “I mean, it’s friggin’ China, for God’s sake,” said the spokesman.