China’s space program has enjoyed successes at a price previously unmatched by any space program. Not the US nor former Soviet Union, not even Canadians have been able to make strides in pace with the Chinese,, and not even because a typical Asian stride is so much shorter based on height alone.

NASA as well as other “NASA wannabe” administrations around the world have applauded China’s successes in advanced rocketry capable of successfully putting short men in low Earth orbits. Gar Schwanz from Germany’s Advanced Rocket Propulsion Laboratory hails these developments as “the most exciting advancement in rocketry capable of delivery a nuclear payload to the United States since 1960.”

NASA authorities, shown here studying a model of the model the Chinese will use during it’s fake lunar launch, are quickly coming to the realization that they’re totally gay.

The next milestone is already on the calendar. China will visit the very same fake lunar landing sight celebrated by Neil Armstrong in 1969. Nie Lo Hung from the Mao to Moon headquarters in Beijing says, “We can’t do this without the help of America. They are the only ones who’ve ever faked a moon landing before and without their (no-way) know-how and US moon props we can’t hope to be successful.”

Officials at NASA, some of whom still insist the Apollo missions were real, say they will help China towards their goal of lunar exploration. Nie Lo Hung explains that they must help. “Is much better to give us cameras and props then have us go to the moon and prove we never went. The ’69 Runar Rover work flawlessly, but the ’74 Pinto blow up in low-speed collisions? Please, do math.”

In light of countless subsequent astro-science failures from a string of defunct Mars Landings to killing the only Jew to ever fly on a space shuttle, NASA has had very little comment about the validity of Lunar missions. An automated message line at NASA offers possible excuses for these failures strangely including 9/11, El Nino, global warming, and flouridated water.

The next milestone is already on the calendar. China will visit the very same fake lunar landing sight celebrated by Neil Armstrong in 1969. Nie Lo Hung from the Mao to Moon headquarters in Beijing says, “We can’t do this without the help of America. They are the only ones who’ve ever faked a moon landing before and without their (no-way) know-how and US moon props we can’t hope to be successful.”

Officials at NASA, some of whom still insist the Apollo missions were real, say they will help China towards their goal of lunar exploration. Nie Lo Hung explains that they must help. “Is much better to give us cameras and props then have us go to the moon and prove we never went. The ’69 Runar Rover work flawlessly, but the ’74 Pinto blow up in low-speed collisions? Please, do math.”

In light of countless subsequent astro-science failures from a string of defunct Mars Landings to killing the only Jew to ever fly on a space shuttle, NASA has had very little comment about the validity of Lunar missions. An automated message line at NASA offers possible excuses for these failures strangely including 9/11, El Nino, global warming, and flouridated water.

This Chinese space-queen may seem 100% genuine, but look closely…yeah, closely….oh, that’s good.

Some American government agencies are suggesting that China’s hidden agenda is polluting and overpopulating the moon. However, China is refuting this claiming their intent is only to go to a fake moon located presumably in Arizona or Texas, two places they clearly have no desire to populate nor pollute.

Stumbling under financial complications, the Russians have used drastic measures to insure consistent funding. This included filming a Radio Shack ad in space, allowing space tourism to white billionaires and the more controversial filming of the messy triple-X facial in zero gravity, which reportedly is still being disinfected.

The animal represents the largest organism ever put in orbit, as well as the most illogical. Proponents at NASA said “What the hell? A yak? Is that for real?” In response, NASA engineers indicated they are writing a proposal to “launch a school of killer whales in to space, oh, or better, let’s do that four mile fungus from the Midwest, that would be a good goal,” but further added that they were kidding and that this is the stupidest thing they’ve ever heard of.

The Russian yakmonaut and his space-mates go through several in-flight checks. So far the flight has gone smoothly, but one cosmonaut complained about “freaking yak-shit all over the place”.

“Yak-nik is well, though a bit confused. I don’t think he can fully appreciate what we’ve done for him and his bulky non-space conducive species.” reported Russian Mafia officials from the Balkinur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan. “…and don’t tell anyone we’re Russian Mafia either, it doesn’t look good. You can quote me on that.”

Interested in joining a yak in orbit? Prices have never been lower, so act now!

The Great Wall of China, whose construction began during the Zhou Dynasty of approximately 770BC, has finally been bested. Descendants of the ancient invading Mongols have discovered a Home Depot in Ulan Bator, and purchased thousands of scaling ladders to allow them passage over the Great Wall. They appear to have been successful in their endeavor, and are now threatening Beijing.

Kuujujuk Temujin, who works at the Home Depot in Ulan Bator, said, “Yeah, it was weird. There were ten thousand guys standing in the parking lot while this one dude tried to place an order for one hundred of our 32’ Werner Type IAA Flat Rung Extension Ladders. But it was just one problem after another. First he tried to pay in cash, but we don’t take tögroögs, only American dollars. So he had to go out to where he had parked his horse and grab his wallet. It turned out that he was already over the limit on his Capital One card. So the guy leans on the counter, pulls out an American Express, blows on it for good luck, and says, ‘Go ahead, try this baby, I dare you not to accept it.’ I was tempted to say that it was declined too, but he had this mean looking sword swingin’ from his waist, so I just gave him the order. We had them, all one hundred of ‘em, in three business days. He never mentioned that they were gonna use ‘em to invade China.”

The Mongols, led by Jebe Yesuntai, are hoping that 2005 will be their lucky year. “We’ve been waiting patiently for over two millennia for wall-scaling technology to catch up to our needs. Thankfully, these ladders were well built from strong, but light and transportable aluminum. Of course, when you’ve got ten thousand men following you, you don’t necessarily have to worry about weight – but it was nice to not have to think about it. But yes, I think that 2005 will be known as the year of the Mongol. We may not have tanks, or bulletproof armor, or even gunpowder-based weapons, but I think we can take on the Chinese and win. I mean, it’s been what, like, fifty years since they were involved in a war? They’re rusty. What do you think we’ve been doing up in Mongolia all this time? Training, baby. That’s the name of the game.”

LEFT – A victorious Mongol tops the wall, carrying with him the head of a Chinese defender. Where will the madness end?

Colonel Ming of the People’s Liberation Army said, hurriedly, “I can’t believe that they’ve come over the wall. Nobody here saw that coming. We’re just as bad as the American CIA. They’re going to lock up my family, I just know it. Don’t you see what this means? The Mongols are going to make the Rape of Nanking look like a summer picnic. The only thing that we can do is go on the offensive, which is why a nuclear strike on Ulan Bator has already been given the go-ahead. We’ll show these Mongol bastards who’s boss. Still, you’ve gotta give ‘em credit. I mean, who would’ve thought of using ladders to defeat the Great Wall?”

The United States has offered to be an impartial mediator in the 2000-year-old dispute between the Mongols and the Chinese. “We think it’s imperative that we get the Mongols off of their horses and back to the table,” said outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell. “A stable China demands that there not be an army of ten-thousand horsemen riding around in its northern and central regions.”

President Bush has vowed to “bring the peace-hating, vengeful Mongols to justice just like I done in Iraq.” A spokesman speaking on behalf of the President said that, while it had not yet been ruled out, an invasion did not seem likely. “I mean, it’s friggin’ China, for God’s sake,” said the spokesman.